• Caroline Donough

If Only...



Mummy...


I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

I wonder if you could hear me calling out to you sometimes.

I wonder if you're aware that there's no one I love more than you.

I wonder if you know that caring for you will always be the most important deed I'll ever do.


If only I could talk to you in person now, I'd pour my heart out to you, for there's so much I want to say; and ask; and apologise for.

If only, with a wave of my hand, I had the power to undo everything that's happened in the last three months, I'd do it so that we'd still be together.

If only I had a time machine, I'd revisit every moment we spent together laughing.

If only this were just a horrible dream I'd wake up from, 8.15 on the clock would go back to meaning nothing at all.


I wonder if you could see me tending your garden these days.

I wonder if you could see that your flowers are blooming.

The bougainvillea, plumeria, hibiscus and adenium.

I still have a ways to go, but I'm hoping to develop as green a thumb as yours some day.


Speaking of flowers...

I wonder if you saw the two bouquets I went out and bought for you last Sunday morning.

One was a bunch of blush pink roses, and the other, bright orange gerberas.

I wonder if you smelled their beautiful, refreshing scent.

I wonder if you noticed I bought them from your favourite flower shop at SS15.

I wonder if you know I drove to the cemetery after that, even though I understood lockdown restrictions meant I wouldn't be allowed in.

The roses, I handed to the caretaker to help place on your grave.

The gerberas, I took home and displayed in the vase next to your photo on our coffee table.

I wonder if you know this isn't the first time I've done this.


If only I were allowed a glimpse of you in Heaven, even for just one minute, I know the pain would go away.

How radiant Heaven's beauty must be; I can only try to imagine it.

How the light of God must illuminate you and everything it touches; there's no better place.

I'm glad you're there, even though my heart remains unmended here.

I miss you terribly.

Is Tracie there with you?

She must be, for like you, all who are good are worthy of a place in God's kingdom.


I wonder if you know that to me, you are the template of perfection.

You are the greatest joy, and loss, of my life.

Ever since you moved to Heaven, getting overwhelmed by sudden emotions seems to have become my new normal.

I wonder if you know you're constantly on my mind.


If only we could have one more Christmas; one more New Year's; one more birthday each... yours, Dad's and mine; one more everything together; boy, would we make them count.

If only, as a gift this Christmas, I could have you back for just one minute, I'll never ask for anything else again.


If only we could sit in the living room and watch our favourite cooking show together tonight, you on the couch and me on the floor, the way we always do...

If only we could stay up late after that and reminisce about the good old days like we often do...

If only you could share more pieces of our family history with me as the night progresses...

If only I could see you, not just in my dreams when I go to sleep later tonight, but in front of me this very minute...

If only I could hold your warm, familiar hand in mine right now...

If only, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'd hear your footsteps in the kitchen like nothing has changed at all...


If only... 💕

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